Chronicle of a departure: mine
Accompanied by my mother and daughter I arrive at the airport well in advance
As we park the car, my daughter begins to say, with tears in her throat, “I don’t want you to leave.”
I was prepared for this eventuality (or thought I was): he had been repeating these same words like a mantra for weeks.
The apparent peace of the day before had deluded me into thinking that the emergency had receded, that tempers had calmed down, and that with a few small rituals (exchanging an essential oil or a thought to keep with us while away) we would greet each other peacefully
But all this did not happen
What happened?
hell! I would be inclined to tell you in the first line.
That hell that only an “out-of-control mind” can create
a hell of thoughts and emotions
the projection of a film of suffering of which, however, as I was at that moment completely identified, I was unable to perceive the “fatuity,” the illusion
Let me try to explain
My daughter, with her “I don’t want her to go” , represented all my fears of moving away …from her (?)
to put it bluntly, “the fear of getting away from her with the risk that something might happen to me on the journey.”
MOM’S HEART?
maybe …a little bit, but on closer inspection….a mother’s heart should be an open heart capable of raising her children in love and not in fear
the fear of leaving Theasofia, which has inhabited me in recent weeks (and which cyclically takes hold of me), is in truth, totally egoic
fueled by thoughts like, “If I go missing, what will become of her?”
means, in other words “if I am missing, how does she live?” “who will help her, who will protect her, how can she grow up happy if I am not there?”
Only now that I put them down on paper do I realize the folly of these thoughts
it’s like saying that I think I can be the only one who can take care of her, make her happy, control everything so that she doesn’t suffer etc.
Do you see the giant ego?
Can it still be called a mother’s heart?
I would say NO
What Theasofia did, with her laments, was to project out all this
Of course she put in her share: all this also fed her ego (which as far as fear of change is a black belt) and for more than 60, interminable, minutes my ego and her ego were bracing each other in this painful situation
While all this was going on, the mental, left in disarray, continued to energize by compulsively producing thoughts such as ” but isn’t he trying to save me from an accident by not starting me off?” “but isn’t it that I am giving her a pain that will mark her?” etc etc.
So much “unnecessary” suffering
and it doesn’t end there!
That day believe me, I managed to make a masterpiece 😛
I was able to project on multiple fronts!
in fact, in all of this my mother, an enlightened woman, a great traveler, able to fend for herself in all situations went completely haywire starting to harshly press Teasofia and attempting to “yank” her by force to leave quickly for fear of not being able to get out of the airport parking lot in time having already paid for her ticket; agitated and in high tension her mantra was “now let’s go because I’m afraid of being a prisoner here”
At that moment I couldn’t wrap my head around his state: but how? she who travels merrily around the world at the very moment that I would need help was going to go haywire ?
the whole thing ended after 60 minutes in which I tried all the relaxation and centering techniques I could with my daughter and a few hugs to calm my mom down
but to my eye very little of this has worked (clearly ..I would add)
The scene ended like this: we said goodbye to each other with my mother hugging my crying daughter and taking her away a bit by force praying that she would be able to not remain a prisoner and find a digitized way back home
I regret not having photographed them … I would have captured the “fear of being a prisoner” that is carried away, arm in arm, but also with some resolve, the fear of change and the need for control
FANTASTIC!
after the first 15 minutes in which I needed to work off the accumulated emotions, a world opened up to me: coming back to myself, I clearly saw the movie I had been watching!!! my movie!
It only took a moment for me to “withdraw all my projections” and see clearly what I have been telling you: and then the tears flowed spontaneously in a mixture of joy/newfound happiness/fear dissolving
Most importantly, they came down Tears of love and deep gratitude for these two souls, that of Theasofia and that of Bianca, who put themselves at my service and allowed me to understand that I was again “sabotaging” myself and who gave me back the possibility (and the joy) of “flying”
I love them with all my heart
