When a relationship ends people say … “we broke up” …or “he left me” ..or “I left him/her”
… but what will it really mean to leave or break up with someone?
From dictionary “leave” means:
-
– Move away from a person or place – separate permanently from someone or something: wife, husband; l. the country (for the city).– To suffer a condition or behavior of others without reacting “let himself die”– Separate, divide.
Hence to move away, to take distance from someone or something.
So, I ask myself, and I ask you, what are we really getting distance from?
If we come to the decision to break up, to separate from something or someone, it is likely that we want to distance ourselves from something that does not make us feel good, from something that we no longer feel is good for us, from something we do not want in our lives, from something that scares us, from something uncomfortable, from something that intoxicates us, from something that we feel diminishes our level of well-being and happiness
But all this, is it true?
Of course it is for us who, when we’ve had our fill of things that weren’t working for us, we pop the cork saying, “Enough!”
But again: enough for what?
There are situations in which saying enough implies “saving one’s life,” think of the most egregious cases of physical or verbal violence; but it is possible that even in such situations one may struggle and lack the courage to implement separation.
From what part of us does the fear of separation arise?
What if leaving someone is leaving a certain part of us? also an unhealthy part, a part that is “comfortable” in the malaise, that says it wants something else but in fact is “comfortable” in that dimension because it knows it?
It can be the dimension of the victim, in the case of violence or in the case of a person who has always been left behind, it can be the dimension of the humiliated, the abandoned, the rejected….it can be the dimension of the person who believes that alone/they will manage …even better than in a couple… the dimension of “he who does it himself does for 3”
or the dimension of those who believe that men/women serve little purpose except to bring passing joy between sex and laughter, the dimension of those who think they do not deserve the happiness or love of another or the dimension of those who think they deserve much more and do not want to compromise
All these dimensions talk about us or rather about the ‘idea we have of us …when we leave someone or are left in some way we confirm this idea of us and this in the end, beyond all the pain we may feel, reassures us …it makes us say okay …now he/she is leaving and I can come back to me …subtending to that dimension of me
It is not about right or wrong, it is about observing how much the fear of moving out of our comfort zone leads us to leave someone or rather to leave the opportunity that this someone offers us, whoever they are and whatever they are carrying, to Taking distance or exploring another part of us
we can say that we tried, that we put ourselves on the line, that we “endured,” that we mediated, that we understood and welcomed … but there was nothing to be done: nothing! he or she did not change, things did not improve, efforts did not help to “right the boat” …
At this point in history … I propose a nice jump backwards
A jump to the moment in which you chose your partner, when did this happen? and how?
It is possible that you thought you had found someone who was very close to your way of understanding life and who could therefore bring you reassurance (at least on paper) or that you felt attracted to someone who was very far from you but who represented a chance to explore the new unexplored worlds that so fascinate you
Whatever attracted you to that person, know that what really attracted you was that of you that person represented; we do not meet a person, we meet ourselves through that person, through the aspects of that person that most attract us and most repel us
Why do I tell you this?
Because the moment we can become aware of how functional we can be to each other’s growth and how, often, we find ourselves playing roles ad hoc for each other’s evolution without even realizing it, then we can truly LOVE, ourselves and that person by recognizing him or her as a gift.
Only then can one really decide to stay in a relationship or not: when there is love.
This is the starting point for exploring relationships and “letting go”: and if you want, we do it together.
