The time has come to explore the topic of ego and selfishness, topics that are talked about a lot and often generate misunderstandings and inner conflicts.
We will see where they come from and what exactly they mean, trying to clarify some basic concepts and beginning to examine how to initiate a process of “ego-lysis,” or the reduction and streamlining of our egos.
In the article on suffering, we saw how ego-fueled it can be.
The ego both loves and hates suffering: on the one hand, it tries to avoid it at all costs; on the other hand, it protects it because it allows us to identify with something.
These two aspects of the ego are interconnected and must be understood in order to embark on a path of inner growth.
Last week, during a counseling session, a client highlighted how difficult it is for many people to show compassion and support to those who are suffering.
Opening one’s heart to welcome others’ pain means exposing one’s own as well, and it is an experience that many avoid for fear of getting hurt.
This tendency may be rooted in our personality and received upbringing, which taught us to avoid suffering at all costs.
If we grow up with the idea that suffering is inevitable and an integral part of life, our egos may identify with this belief and condition us to experience situations that confirm this identity. The ego acts to protect and preserve our identity, even if it is based on limiting beliefs.
When we identify with a certain identity, we are inclined to evaluate situations by comparison parameters such as “more” and “less.” The ego may push us to avoid suffering at all costs or, paradoxically, to cling to it if it represents our identity. In both cases, the ego acts to keep the illusion of self stable and unchanging.
To free ourselves from this identification and begin a process of inner transformation, we must be willing to unmask our ego and accept change. This process requires courage and openness, but it is essential to free ourselves from ego-imposed limitations and live a more authentic and full life.
Mind you, these are not “headshots” or life-altering gestures.
There is someone who decides to drop everything and start over, to change his life.
Perhaps, after the first year of apparent relief, he finds himself caught up in the same dynamics he had left thousands of miles away, believing he has overcome them. But distance is not enough; it has to be an inner, conscious, and deep restart.
This process of “re-beginning” is closely related to self-understanding and the ability to recognize whether our actions come from a place of inner wholeness or from the ego, reacting to something externally.
And now let’s talk about selfishness.
During a counseling session last week, one person was very concerned about the welfare of his loved ones, but he saw the partner who was primarily taking care of himself as selfish. How many of you reading this could identify with this situation?
Maybe you are committed to others, but do not receive the same attention in return from your partner?
In this context, it is important to ask:
Why does that bother me so much?
Perhaps it is because we are used to doing everything ourselves, controlling everything and always helping others. But who is really selfish in this situation?
The selfish person is not the one who takes care of himself, but the one who demands of others without being willing to do the same.
For example, if I take care of myself and make choices for my own well-being, I cannot be considered selfish.
Selfishness arises from the need for control, fear and insecurity.
The real question is: What do we want to feed?
Do we want to nurture guilt, renunciation, and sacrifice in order to appear better in the eyes of others, or do we want to learn to take care of ourselves in a healthy and conscious way?
It is a process of authenticity and awareness that enables us to overcome conditioning and live a more authentic and fulfilling life.
First of all, I would like to ask you: does this theme resonate with you in any way?
Are you among those people who often back down, who give up, who step aside to make room for others, fearing that they will be considered selfish? Yet, how much do you find yourself harboring a sense of resentment inside, of frustration, thinking, “But when is it my turn? When do I get to rest? When can I take space for myself? When can I be okay?” The next question is, what are you waiting for? From whom or what are you waiting for permission?
Often, we wait for the approval of others because we are afraid that we do not fit the standards of the good person: the good mother, the good father, the good partner, the good worker.
We wait for permission to respect ourselves, to take care of ourselves.
But if this permission does not come, what happens? We demand, like a toddler stamping his feet, because if we want something, no matter how much time has passed, we keep demanding until we get it.
Inside each of us, even in adults, there is always that child who has not felt understood, listened to, valued. It is crucial to release this emotional memory, just as it is important to take care of oneself in the here and now, day after day. The ego does not like the present, but it is vital to learn to be fully present in our daily actions. Only then can we cultivate inner well-being and radiate it to others.
Our real job, is not to be the perfect parent, the perfect employee or the perfect partner. Our real work is to take care of ourselves.
If we are well, we transmit well-being to others. But how can we be truly present for others if we are unable to listen to our own needs?
Changing perspective is essential. If we feel constantly overburdened with responsibilities, it is time to ask for help, to delegate, to organize our time better. It is not selfishness. Selfishness is giving ourselves so much to others that we reach a point of exhaustion and expect others to solve situations for us.
Giving and caring is not selfishness; it is authenticity and responsibility to oneself and others.
If you take care of yourself and you are well, you can help your child, your husband, your sister, anyone, to do the same.
This is what we call responsibility.
Now, consider this paradox: we are made to believe that we are selfish the moment we simply take responsibility for our lives.
Why? Because the moment we take responsibility for our lives, we take power away from someone. And if someone lives by power, by prevarication, by the exercise of power over others, they will naturally feel threatened and react. But there is another important element here: what you choose for yourself becomes the only thing that matters. The reaction, the effect your choice may have on others, is no longer your problem, but their problem.
It is essential to learn to put this limit, otherwise, we will continue to save others not to really help them, but to defend ourselves from ourselves, not to feel bad or guilty if someone else suffers.
I am telling you about many small mechanisms that you can observe in your relationships every day. It is important to understand how even the most sincere relationships are often polluted by ego games. We must learn to recognize when we are moving from an authentic space of listening, love and presence, rather than from a space of mask and constructed identity.
I firmly believe that everything we are experiencing at this moment in history is the manifestation of our individual unresolvedness. If we want to change the system, we have to change ourselves. How? Nurturing our relationships, learning to be in the present and notice when we move from an authentic space.
Here are some insights in closing:
- When you are in your deepest feeling, do you feel what is right for you?
- If you are torn between two choices, what do you do? advice: stop.
- There is no right or wrong, only what is right for you at that moment.
- Do not allow ego to take over.
- Commit to rewriting your story, becoming more aware of your mental patterns and letting go of identifying with your ego.
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